Category Archives: Comic Relief

Monday Funnies: Monkey Faces & Sweet Nothings Hollywood Style

Since it’s back to work day we need some comic relief for those Monday blues. Here’s my Monday Funny for the week that made me laugh out loud. It gives me hope that at 86 I still have it all going on like this gentleman with his wife.

A couple who are Internet newbies trying to figure out a webcam have found themselves the unwitting subjects of an instant viral video, thanks to a little help from a grandkid.

Watch Web Cam 101 For Seniors’ Turns Oregon Oldsters Into YouTube Celebrities.

This video has everything a good Hollywood flick has:
Comedy, tenderness, sweet nothings, horny devilnesh, singing, patience, burping, monkey faces, and gum snapping thrown in with aw shucks moments.

Just imagine if Hollywood followed unscripted life in these same true moments…

GONE WITH THE WIND
Scarlett: Please, please take me with you!
Rhett: Maybe, sweet pea. Your hair looks awfully pretty today.
Scarlett: Oh, sing to me Rhett!
Rhett: **whistling Dixie** No, no…my mind is made up. Most people do things by accident, not on purpose like you. I need peace.
Scarlett: Oh, Rhett, I only know I love you! You make me laugh so.
Rhett: Well, that’s your luck, darling. I do make the best monkey faces around.
Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett I’ll do anything.
Rhett: Well…show me boobies and maybe I’ll stay.
Scarlett: If I don’t and you go, where shall I go, what shall I do?
Rhett: Frankly, my dear I don’t give a damn.

WIZARD OF OZ
If Flying Monkeys could talk…
Monkey #1: Hey, which human do I look like now?
Monkey #2: Quit making faces, we’ve got to snatch the girl and her dog too.
Monkey #1: Come on, look at me now..who, who?
Monkey #2: Hey, that’s not a bad Barba Streisand. Can you sing too? Get a big schnozz and a wig and you’re all set for Halloween.
Monkey #1: **sings** Don’t tell me not to fly! I’ve simply got to. If someone takes a spill, it’s me and not you. Don’t rain on my parade!

STAR WARS
Darth: NO, I am your father.
Luke: Shucks, it can’t be true..but I always wanted a dad.
Darth: Search your feelings. You know it to be true. **belchhh**. Pardon me, son.
Luke: I don’t know, Dad. But that was the best burp ever, plus your cape is really cool.
Darth: Join me. Together we can rule the baseball field.
Luke: But how are you gonna wear a baseball hat, Dad?

I say this sweet video of this elderly couple wraps up all the good stuff in life we should bottle up and use every day.  I’m watching old people from now on. They’re still young people under all those wrinkles and walkers. I guess we only look older as we get older, our personalities stay the same.

And I thought I was going to be the crabby old lady sitting on my front porch cursing at the young, noisy folks passing by.
Maybe not.
Maybe I’ll still be making up silly songs, goosing my husband, and guzzling soda to win the biggest burp contest.
I just hope nobody tapes it.

Have you ever been caught on tape in life moment? Good or bad. Mortifying or sweet. I have, but I ain’t telling!

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I like big butts and I can not lie. Real not fake.

Oh My God, look at her butt. I mean her butt…it’s just so big. I can’t believe it’s so round. It’s just out there. Gross.
I like big butts and I can not lie.

A big, gorgeous butt

This song got stuck in my head recently.
Watching a fake butt shake did it.

Really.

Having fun on a girl’s night out recently, we gals wandered through a lingerie store. A store that sold fake butts. I didn’t know these things were on shelves for the buying. I have been lucky not to ever have to wonder about where to get one.

Then I saw her.

A big, gorgeous woman packed into a neon green lace balloon standing in the hallway between the dressing room doors for all to see. She peered behind her, admiring her greatly endowed butt cleavage and asked her friend:

“Does it look real?”
“Hmmm, Lorraine, shake it a little. Let me see.”
I was mesmerized watching undulating buttocks and thighs jiggle in delight.
“Faster, Lorraine! Faster!”
The jiggle became a blur of rippling cellulite.
“Oooh, that’s real good.”
“But does it FEEL real?”
“Hmmmm…” getting a double squeeze in. “Yep, soft and bouncy.”
“You sure it doesn’t look fake?”
“Nahh, big and grabby.”

I wanted to cheer her on and belt out:
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell ’em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!

It was a good public butt shaking that made me realize, why DO we stuff our butts? Is it because we want attention, we want to stand out?

Nemo did this. “He touched the butt.” **whispering** He wanted to prove something.

He touched the butt. That's a pretty big butt.

As writers we want to prove we can write.
Is that what we try to do when we stuff our scenes with fake stuff? Add flowery prose. Dangle pretty adjectives and endless adverbs. Making ourselves puff up inside with our fancy sentences.

We’re shaking the fake butt.

Most people know a fake butt when they see it. It covers up the beauty of the natural butt. Every butt is different, like your book.

Don’t puff up your words to sound better.
Has another writer told you this? To not shake your words at us to say “Look at me! This is what I am trying to convey in this scene! This is what my character is feeling! This is what is happening, in case you didn’t know!” **sheepish** me.

Less IS more.
I’ve been told to say it in less. Use one description, not three. Use a simple word versus a fancy one. If its raining, just let it rain. Not. The whizzing drops flung themselves about in a hysterical, wet torrent like a raging monsoon. This is what first drafts are about. Then time to weed whack. I should know!

Do you have an image system in your book?
Is it consistent? Let’s not cram images in our books to dazzle us with fake visuals that don’t mean anything. They have to make sense, connect us to a character, an event, or a place. I admit to being a butt stuffer at times with this.
**sheepish** again. It’s when I go back in editing I hope I pull most of it out. All that stuffing covers up what you’re book is really about. What your premise is. Who your characters are and what they experience.

Ask yourself.
What are you shaking? Are you the real thing or fake? Be you.

A bigger butt isn’t going to make you more glamorous. It just covers up something great hidden underneath. I should know. My butt is big enough!

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Filed under Comic Relief, Writing Techniques

All I need to know about writing I learned from my cats

A fun one today. Seriously, my brain was fried this weekend on becoming Twitterfied (that’s an actual certification you know) and writing my WIP.

Here is what I have learned about writing from my cats. Say it isn’t so!

At times we feel boxed in and squared out with our writing

Then a supportive writer friend comes along and boosts us up..again..

When stuck, reflecting by the fire can help

Being read to reminds us why we love to write

Some days we just need to warm up before we start

...And sometimes we need a friend to warm up with us

When in doubt, it's okay to crawl in a hole - for awhile

But don't forget to come out to play and remember what drives you!

Find relaxing places to write that drive your muse

After making your word count goal, relaxing with friends is the best

We may need to find new & different friends with experience to help at times

Always sit down to write in something comfortable

It's scary to put our writing and ourselves out there, I know

But the more friends we make when we do! Friends do a writer good

Have one good friend who will watch your back and tell you like it is

Hugs work when all other advice fails

Lunch. The one meal of the day writers skip when in the groove

When all else fails, find a new place to write you never thought to try before

Goofing off is allowed, in small doses. Don't be too hard on yourself if you do. Tomorrow is another day!

Hiding away can feed the writer soul too and make for good writing

Find a look alike, a writer mentor in your genre to look up to

Don't forget to look to the stars and keep dreaming

Never trust a man with a paintbrush...hmmm..not sure what that means

Napping is never overrated, it fuels the brain with dreams and creativity

Find new writer places to hang out in and you will make new writer friends

It's true, sometimes we get stepped on and it ain't fun

Then some times we must bite the hand that feeds us and go our own way

And try and get ourselves back on top feeling good again about our writing

And put on our happy face, content with where we are because at the end of the day...

Love makes our world go around, in our dreams and reality

And we can go to sleep on that, content we are following our writer heart


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Filed under Comic Relief, Inspirational

What’s your biggest challenge in writing? How do you face it?

What’s your biggest challenge in writing?

For me its self discipline. Not editing, not pacing, not voice, not character development or dialogue. All those techniques I can keep improving on through courses, books, author mentors, writing sessions, and critique groups. But there seems to be no technique to apply for self discipline.

Typical day when self discipline battles the pants-on-fire-writer.

Have you had this kind of day?
Finally – a whole day at home to write…
That’s six glorious writing hours before school pick up time.
Writing goal for day 2,000 words.
Sit and stare at new chapter’s empty page.
250 words. Ack.
Let me just check twitter, face book and email.
Oooh, great article on this and that blog I need to share.
Need to post comments on this or that blog by author friends.

Listen up! Just write, will ya?

Listen up and just get writing!
750 words.
Hungry, yogurt time and twitter, face book and email again.
Where did 3 hours go?
Stuck on scene. A walk always frees my thoughts and resolves a scene.
Walk helped! Writing ahoy!
Lunch time. Would a beer help? maybe…
Stare at screen.
Re-read what I wrote.
Something not working right. How to continue then?
Need some research. Ahh that helped. Back at it.
1000 words.
OMG – only 2 hours left!

When alone it's okay to scream

Scream.
Stuck again. Need a visual. Draw out dystopian world in book on paper.
Now fired up.
Write write write.
1,500 words.
Stuck again. What was I thinking?  Who are these characters? And who cares?
This book sucks.
Pressure! Pressure!
1,700 words.
Time to go pick up son.
Defeated. Race was lost.
Want to stay home and write NOW. On a roll.
But time to punch the clock. Work day is over.
I should have gone to the damn library.
Drive to school, nose to wheel.
I suck.

Writer in angst realizes there are some jobs that may never pay.
Writer’s son who grabs new chapters, jumps up and down and says it’s the best story ever.
Priceless.

Hope reigns another day – until tomorrow when empty pages loom again. But then my son comes home eager to get his hands on new chapters and all is well, for now.

Have you figured out under what conditions you write best AND how to make that happen?

I discovered, for me, that to write with dedication and commitment on a regular basis I must build a schedule that empowers me to write. I also discovered that I write better under pressure and without distraction. No music. No noise. No people. Otherwise forgeddaboutit. I envy writers who can travel around to coffee shops with their iPod and write for hours.

ME: I am a morning person. I like total quiet. I write best under pressure.

WRITING TIME SHORT: Set alarm for 5AM. 1.5 hours of solid, quiet writing time. Clock is ticking. Under pressure before the house wakes up, lunches to be made, paycheck work to go to.

ALL DAY WRITING TIME: Leave the house with laptop and all research materials. Find quiet library and hunker down. Turn off wireless connection on computer and keep it off. No email. No twitter. No FB. Bring ear plugs in case of screaming kids.

What works for you?

Share it here! We need all the help we can get to get those words on paper.

My champion

Off to face another empty page. But then my son makes it all better. Thanks, Josh. You rock as my champion.

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Filed under Comic Relief, Writing Resources